I have nothing to say. After last night, I don’t know what to think, how to feel, I’m numb. You don’t want me doing this because it’s about you and it’s online and you don’t “appreciate” it. So this will be my last post, cause your wish is my command . But that doesn’t mean my feelings for you will change or I won’t stop thinking about you. I just have to let time and God help me take my pain away. I love you deeply, maybe not now, but forever. I always did and I always will. I will always be there for you if you need it, wether it be tomorrow or 5 years from now. I’m never going to forget you. I hope and pray that one day we can be friends again and start over, as friends. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me, you have no clue how much I appreciate it. You’ve taught me so so much and I will never forget any of it. I told you all this last night but you didn’t accept any of it, and that’s your decision and I have to respect that. I wish you happiness and prosperity and nothing but the best in your life. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I have so many questions still running through my head that constantly keep me up at night like what happened to us? Did I make you that unhappy for you to leave? Why didn’t you talk to me about it? Why was it so easy for you to just get up and walk away? Why did you give up? Why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you give me a second chance? Why don’t you give me a second chance? Did you really even love me? Did you mean anything you said? That’s all I think about and I hate it. I hate doubting what we had. I hate doubting the things you told me. I hate doubting that you loved me. But how can I not? It’s just so sad that we let this all ruin what we had first, our friendship. You really were my best friend. You knew more about me than Keanu or Auli’i did. I’d run to you first if I needed help. If it came down to it and I could only choose one friend, it would’ve been you. I miss my old life, when you were still in it and I’d do anything to get it back. If I could redo everything with you, even if the ending was the same, I’d do it in a heartbeat. You taught me so much, not just about the whole being in love ordeal, but you taught me things about myself that I never knew. Like how I could love someone so damn much, maybe a little too much. I never knew I was capable of doing that and letting myself get in that deep, but I did. And honestly, being in love with you and being with you and being able to experience love with someone who was your best friend beforehand was the greatest thing that has happened to me. And I don’t know how to thank you. I miss you so so much and I’m still in love with you.

I went to bed last night crying, with the thoughts of “I miss you.” I couldn’t help but think about my birthday last year and how you gave me that promise ring. Or how when your mom had her heart attack and how you were so weak, that was the first time I have ever saw you cry but I was glad I was the one there with you. Or how the night before you left to college we tried slow dancing in your kitchen. Or how I would come to all your baseball fames and we’d end up chillin with your boys after and we’d go back to your house and eat. Or how we would just lay down on the couch and plan our lives together. Or those couple times I got to wake in the morning up next to you. I remember the night before you left for college when we were just about to go to sleep, you had your arm over me and you told me “hey, hold my hand,” it was the cutest thing ever. If I could repeat all of this, I would do it in a heart beat. I miss this so much, more than anyone could ever imagine. I miss you, I miss us, I miss everything we had, especially our friendship. I know you don’t want anything to do with me but I want everything to do with you. All of you, as a whole, for forever. I don’t want you to change drastically, I want you as you. It just sucks because I forgave you for the one wrong thing you’ve done to me because there were so many great things you’ve done to me and you won’t do the same. I pray and believe you will realize one day what a great person/ friend you have lost and you’re gonna realize how much I really did love you, how much I still love you. And until then, I’ll continue to write, cry, laugh, smile, contemplate, on everything we had. I miss you so much and I’m still in love with you.

I woke up this morning sad, more sad than usual. My heart is still heavy and it still yearns for you. I miss you so so much. I’m sorry for everything I have done, you don’t know how much I blame myself. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

Nothing has changed or gotten easier or even better. My feelings for you remain the same. The days remain the same. The pain remains the same. I miss you so much and I’m still in love with you.

I miss you sooooo much. Not being able to even talk to you is killing me. Not being able to call you to see how you’re doing is killing me. Not being able to turn to you for help is killing me. I want you back. I’m so deeply sincerely sorry for everything I’ve done to get us this way. Can we pretend for one day that we didn’t fuck up? Can we pretend for one day that you’re still mine? Can we pretend for just one day that you’re still in my life? For just one day, please? But then again, I’d keep on asking for just one more day. I still wake up in the morning hoping you’re gonna miss me. I still hope that whenever I get a call or a text it’s from you. It’s only been five days since you told me you didn’t want me in your life anymore and it feels like its been forever. I pray that this doesn’t last forever cause at the rate I’m going, I’ll still be in love with you for a while. But real love doesn’t fade, so I guess I’ll be in love with you for forever. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I miss you, way more than I should and I don’t know why. I shouldn’t, but I do. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

My heart still yearns for you. It screams for you. It still wants you. I still want you. I can’t believe this has happened to us. We were best friends, you were everything to me, I was everything to you. I’m so sorry. My one goal was to make you happy, that’s all I wanted. But I guess I wanted you happy with me, not realizing that I can’t make you happy like her, and I’m so so so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry. I just want to let you know I tried my best to make you happy, but trying is totally different from doing and I failed at that. I wish I could have a second chance. I wish I could make things right. I wish we were still together. I wish we were still us. But I’ll just keep on wishing and believing that things will get better between us. It may or may not get better, but I have faith, and I have no clue why. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I still miss you. I still want you. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. I met this really nice guy last night and he’s super sweet and he’s funny and he’s cute, but he’s not you. But I have to give him a chance cause you said that you’re not coming back, so what’s the point in waiting right? But it’s not fair cause I still have my wounds and they’re still really deep and it’s gonna take a long time for them to heal and he could be the one to heal them, but I can’t let him in like how I let you in cause I can’t trust anyone now. Maybe one day I can let someone in as much as I did with you. And what’s even more messed up is that I still have faith that you’re gonna realize how much I love you and you will come back, hmmmmm, I don’t know. All I know is that I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

Yesterday you said that right now you wanted me out of your life and for me to stop wanting you in mine. You said you didn’t regret leaving me. That you have no sympathy for me when it comes to you and relationships. That I am the reason you’ve been depressed lately. That I am the reason you and your ex girl aren’t together. That you’re done doing this with me and that’s final. That as far as you can see, we’re never gonna be in a relationship like how we were again. You would think that all this wouldn’t even phase me because you’ve said hurtful things to me before, but this did. And it hurt a lot. I keep on thinking that you’re gonna be better than all this and we’ll make amends. But I have to stop thinking that cause for the past 5 months nothing has changed. And what’s even more messed up is that even after all this, I STILL think and hope and believe that things will get better between us and you’ll come around, silly me huh? Hopefully time will turn around and decide to be on my side, maybe not, but I know that I will make it out of here one day or another. Maybe not now, or soon, or within the next year, but I will be okay again one day. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I’ve liked you for a year. I’ve been in love with you for 10 months and 11 days. I’ve missed you for 6 months and 6 days. We’ve been not together for 5 months and 11 days. After a year, I still like you an only you. After 10 months, I’m still in love with you and only you. After 6 months, I still miss you and only you. After 5 months, I still wanna be with you and only you. You would think that after we stopped being “us” 5 months ago I would be able to move on like how you did so easily, but I can’t. I’m not ready to. I still have the same feelings I had for you a year ago, and they’re still that strong. I love you. I’m in love with you. And if this isn’t love then I really don’t know what is. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I still wake up hoping you’ll miss me. I still check my phone hoping I’ll get a text or call from you. I still check the clock and add three hours to see what time it is over there. I still have faith and believe you’ll pull through and realize how much I love you and you’ll come back. I still miss you like crazy and I’m still madly in love with you.

I miss you and I love you, a lot, but nothing I say or do will change your mind and it sucks cause I know if you where in my shoes, I’d change my mind. I haven’t talked to you in almost a month and that hurts. I saved the voicemail you left me when you found out about my cousin so I can hear your voice whenever I want to, I listen to it all the time, it makes me tear. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I miss you so much, more than you can imagine. I wanna be with you again more than anything. I wanna be happy again. I hate missing you, I want you here. I hate wondering, I wanna know. Even though I have already came to realize that of we’re meant to be, we’d be together, it still bothers me that we’re not together. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.

I miss you, I love you, I want you, I need you but I can’t have you and it hurts. I’d do anything and everything just to be with you again and stay with you for forever. I pray that you say yes and I believe things will get better and you will realize one day. I miss you and I’m still in love with you.